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Beethoven (Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770—1827) was in Britain (1: Benjamin Britten, 1913—1976), and decided to go out to the shops. His first stop was an estate agent’s. Entering, he asked, in his bad English: ‘Please — do you stock hausen?’ (2: Karlheinz Stockhausen, 1928—) The agent looked at him, impressed that the great man was in his shop, and turned to his female assistant. ‘Do we have a palace, Trina?’ (3: Giovanni Palestrina, 1525—1594) ‘No no,’ (4: Luigi Nono 1924—1990) Beethoven insisted quickly. ‘I need a cage (5: John Cage, 1912—1992) for my bird (6: William Byrd, 1543—1623). I don’t want it to be eaten by a wolf’ (7: Hugo Wolf, 1860—1903). Less impressed, the estate agent sent him next door, to the pet-shop. Beethoven explained to the manager there (Jan — a Czech) (8: Leos Janáçek, 1854—1928) what he wanted. ‘Ah yes — I think we have just the thing,’ said Jan. He looked around to where a young man was lounging behind the counter. ‘Martin — you!’ (9: Bohuslav Martinu, 1890—1959) he snarled at the unfortunate lounger. ‘Go and fetch a large cage, with a big handle (10: George Frideric Handel ,1685—1759).’While Martin (11: Frank Martin, 1890—1974) did just what he was told, Beethoven looked around and noticed a little dog in the corner. ‘I like him,’ he told Jan, ‘but does he often bark?’(12: Jacques Offenbach, 1819—1880) ‘No, he’s the sort of dog that doesn’t bark (13: Johann Sebastian Bach, 1685—1750 or various other Bachs) a lot,’ replied Jan. ‘Good,’ said Beethoven; ‘then maybe I'll buy him. I haf a cat — and I couldn’t have a dog upsetting de pussy (14: Claude Debussy, 1862—1918). It’s bad enough that I coup her in (15: Francois Couperin, 1668—1733 or various other Couperins) my small flat all day’.

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